Why Not Your Sister

A mother asked her son why he didn’t take his little sister along as he left to go fishing, and he said, “Because the last time I took her I didn’t catch a thing.”   Mother said, “I’m sure she’ll be quite if you explain to her.”   “Oh, it wasn’t the noise,” the boy replied, “She ate the bait.”



Biggest Lie in America

The biggest lie in America, according to Norm Chad of Sport’s Illustrated is: “The game’s almost over honey, I’ll be there in a minute.”



Parameters

 

“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor, “Mr. Carmon, what is the opposite of joy?”
 
“Sadness” replied the student.
 
“And what’s the opposite of depression, Ms. Helms?”
 
“Elation,” was the reply.
 
“And you, Mr. Fields, how about the opposite of woe?”
 

“I believe that would be giddy up!”  



Everybody Is Not Blind

In his book, Lord, It Has Been One of Those Days, Bob Brown tells of a pastor who visited an elderly blind lady who was a member of his church.  It was during the Christmas season, and he noticed that the Christmas tree in her house was brightly decorated with lights and ornaments. He said to her, “Do you do this every year?”
 
“Yes,” she replied, “this is one of the big things I do.  I always look forward to it.  My nephew always goes out and gets a Christmas tree, then together we get the Christmas decorations and decorate the tree.”
 
The pastor thought to himself, A blind woman with a brightly lighted Christmas tree?
 
 
He then indicated to her that he did not want to be offensive, but he could not quite understand why a blind woman would want to have a brightly decorated tree and lights in the window.


Grandma’s Ham

Two young newlyweds were preparing to enjoy their first baked ham dinner in their new apartment.  After unwrapping the meat and setting it on the cutting board, the wife chopped off both ends of the ham with a butcher knife, tossing the two small ends in the garbage can.
 
“Wait a minute,” said the mystified husband.  “Why did you do that? Why did you just cut off the ends of the ham like that?”
 
“I don’t know.  My mother always did,” answer the wife.  “Maybe it helps bring out the flavor.”


Paint the Porch

A young student was trying to earn some money over the summer.  He knocked at the door of a rich man’s house and asked if there was anything he could do.   “Yes, the man replied, you can paint the porch.  The paint and brushes are in the garage.”   Three hours later, the student came back and reported, “Well, it’s all painted, but I gotta tell you, that’s not a Porsche; it’s a Ferrari.”


One-Man Show

This actor did a one-man show and the critic wrote: “There were to many in the cast.”


Hide-and-Seek

I never liked hide-and-seek since the time I hid in the closet and my family moved.                 



Health Nut

A health nut is talking to his co-worker.  The only thing he likes more than jogging is telling people about his jogging.  He says, “I now jog to work behind the bus in which I used to ride to work.  I feel great and I save $2.00 a day.”

The friend says, “Why don’t you save $20 and jog behind a cab?”



Daughter’s Brilliant Paper

A college professor congratulated a man on his daughter’s brilliant paper on the influence of science on the principles of government. 
 
The father exclaimed, “Good!  Next I want her to begin to work on the influence of the vacuum cleaner on the modern carpet!”